In Honor of Shark Week Free Prize to All Lawyers.
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Notice: Due to the Heat Wave, all Hotties must ask permission before entering.
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Notice: We no longer buy our black oil sunflower seed from British Petroleum. That will show them.
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Notice: All Birds Migrating Through Arizona Must Show I.D. Before Eating At Our Feeders.
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Come on in. We are now in 3D.
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Try Our New Health Plan: Includes Free Weekly Wallet Exam.
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Attention Toyota Drivers, Need Seed? Roll Down Your Window, we’ll toss your seed in as you speed by!
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Notice: Starting Today We No Longer Allow: Smoking, Bare Feet or Exploding Underwear.
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Notice: Store security provided by Tiger Woods' wife and a golf club.
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Today's Special. Free valet parking. Ask for our new driver Tiger Woods.
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The Countdown is on: Only one week until Free Hatful of Potatoes day!
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Shh..Please be quitet. There are North West pilots sleeping in the back.
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Today's Special. Free Insincere Compliments.
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You can relax, our birdbaths are 100% shark free.
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We are now the official bird shop of the Obamas*. *Todd and Sally Obama from Newark.
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Come in and shop in safety. We have been Death Panel free since 1983.
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Notice: We are NOT participating in the "cash for clunkers" program. However, we have plenty of clunkeers if you have the cash.
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Today's helpful hint: Have a squirrel problem? Invite them in for a beer. Squirrels must be 21.
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Summer Sweepstakes, Enter to win a free trip to Argentina with the Governor of South Caroline
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Today's Special, Buy a bird feeder and get a free Chrysler dealership.
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Notice: Due to the swine flu situation, anyone with a curly tail must wait outside.
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Come in and shop in safety. We have been pirate free since 1983
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Notice: All of today's proceeds will be donated to the starving executives at AIG.
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Due to the economic slow down, the give a penny take a penny cup has been changed to give us a penny.
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Notice: All of today's proceeds will be used to send peanut butter to Bernie Madoff
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Today's Special: Spend over $100 and we'll set you up to become the next senator of Illinois.
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Notice: In order to be supportive during these hard times, we are selling all but two of our corporate jets.
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Post Election Special: 50% off all Lyndon Larouche coffee mugs while they last.
Halloween Special. Free prize for anyone with a scary looking face.
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Come on in - meet our new stock boys. Ask for one of the Lehman brothers.
The birds are hungry, buy lost of seed.**We're bird watchers and we approved this message.
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Note: Due to recent seagull attacks, we no longer recomment using out suet as sunscreen.
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Notice: All shoplifters will be forced to eat a fresh tomato.
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Notice: To help with the high price of bird food, we now sell sunflower by the seed. Two seed minimum.
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Notice: Due to the high price of gas, free local delivery is now $25,000. We hope you don't mind.
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Come in and meet out new employee in charge of truth and honesty. Ask for Roger Clemens.
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Don't Even Talk About it.(re: the Pats losing)
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Notice: Our polls indicate 90% of us are sick of polls.
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No Sign Today. Writer's Strike
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Meet our new stock boy. Come in and ask for Joe Torre.
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Notice: Shhh, please talk softly. The CIA, KGB or Bill Bellichick may be listening.
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Out restroom is locked for your protection from U.S. Senators. Please ask for the key.
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We sell no poisonous lead painted imported toys. All of our poisonous lead painted toys are made locally.
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Just read it.
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Notice: Due to a Chinese product recall, we no longer import bird toothpaste. Sorry.
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Notice: All of our products are endorsed by Oprah.*
*Oprah Jackson who lives accross the street.
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Notice: The hunger strike to free Paris Hilton is scheduled today between Lunch and Dinner time.
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Spring Special: Free Scholarships to the Don Imus Charm School. While They Last
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Baseball Spring Training Special: Free tobacco drool. While it Lasts.
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Notice: The reported sighting of a bald eagle turned out to be Britney Spears. Sorry for the confusion.
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Notice: Spring migration will be delayed because the birds are flying back on Jet Blue.
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Due to the cold weather and for your safety, please do not put your tongue on the door handle. Thank you.
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Notice: Due to the cold weather, topless day has been cancelled.
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Notice: Secret celebration for the Pats victory out back.
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Notice: All returns & exchanges must be accompanied with at least one good sob story.
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Santa's List: If you've been good you get a new bird feeder. If you've been naughty you get lunch at Taco Bell.
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Remember: This is the season to be thankful. Be thankful you aren't married to Tom Cruise.
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Notice: To Save Energy we have replaced out security camera with a sketch artist. Please shoplift slowly.
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Today's Special: 1/2 Price on all 2006 Red Sox tickets. While They Last.
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Security Notice: All employees ar armed with bags of fresh spinach. You've been warned.
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If you hear tapping on your phone, don't blame the woodpeckers
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Try our new Mel Gibson brand bird seed. Now 100% Kosher.
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There is NO Global Warming. We are only having a group hot flash.
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Post 4th of July Special. 1/2 Price Fireworks Used Only Once. *Some Assembly Required.
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Notice: If you are 100% satisfied with our service, you expectations are too high.
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Need cheap gas? We have plenty. That's why we keep the doors open.
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Notice: Our bird seed supply is now guarded by squirrels from the United Arab Emirate.
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Notice: All shoplifters will be forced to go hunting with Dick Cheney.
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Intelligent design is NOT discussed in here. Actually nothing intelligent if ever discussed in here.
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Try our new financing plan. Buy now and pay nothing until you leave the store.
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Try our new government-proof bird baths. No leaks!
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Today's Special.
Buy a feeder & automatically qualify for a spot on the Supreme Court.
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For Sale:
Used lawnmower: $200.
Used lawnmower with full tank of gas: $10,200
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Parking Rules. Spot #1.Cars with handicapped plates. #2. Cars with dogs. #3.Cars with people who are lost. #4.Cars that have never been washed. #5. Cars with drivers who can't back up. #6.Cars with kids who have ugly parents.
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Special* Spend $10,000 and win choice: trip to Hawaii or free gallon of gas (regular only). *This is a joke. We can't afford to give away a gallon of gas.
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*Lost? Come on in for free directions. *Accurate directions $2.00
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Notice: Due to red tide, we have stopped selling clam flavored birdseed. Sorry for the inconvenience.
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